The Food Bandit

Ode to the Macaron

I have been hiding something for many years now. I can't tell my friends or my family. How will I deal with the strange looks and comments? It's gone on for too long now; I can't keep this secret inside any longer.

I know there are people who will judge me, and I know I won't be able to go back to my normal life after this. I have to be true to myself. It's time for me to finally admit it: I love the French....

I'm sorry England, but I do. There is nothing you could have done. It has been going on for some time now.  It's me not you, but really it's you.

I love everything about the French, I love the food, I love the movies, I love the language, I love the attitude, I love the style, but above all I love the macarons.

Now when I say macarons I dont mean those ridiculous coconut concoctions that look more like dumplings than desert. I mean the beautiful French confectionary photographed above. These mouthfuls of joy are made up of a meringue based crushed almond exterior, and, normally, a flavoured ganache spread sandwiched in the middle. You may say these don't look like a masculine food stuff for a man of your stature, and I would have to agree with you. They are not masculine in any way. Every bite of them makes me become slightly more effeminate. If metrosexual's go to war this will be what sustains them on the battlefield, and I may just be along side them when the revolution comes.

Thankfully we live in such a global economy that a food soldier, such as myself, can get their fix of macarons far more easily then ever before. It was only earlier in 2010 that, in my opinion, the king of macarons appeared on these shores. Pierre Herme opened his small boutique in Selfridges, London in February of 2010 although they deliver through his website across europe. What he produces are simply genius. Each macaron tastes as if it was made with love, and each of the delicate flavours comes across perfectly. With flavours such as rose, milk chocolate & passion fruit, mint, salted-butter caramel, and Chocolate, blackcurrant and blackcurrant berries there is something for everyone. 

Each macaron is so delicate that every texture and flavour becomes heightened. For something so light they are also deeply rich, and even a man of my greed could only eat a few at a time.  My personal favourite is the vanilla with caramel bits, but it is a little like choosing which is your favourite child. Pierre Herme is clearly a culinary artist and I admire a man who can create such powerful flavours in such a delicate way. His macarons are like a punch wrapped in a velvet glove, and I look forward to being beaten like this many more times.

The box photographed lasted 3 days (they have a 4 day fridge life), but this was mainly due to my wife limiting my intake. They don't come cheap at £35.00 for a box that size although they can be bought individually for just under £2.00. They are, to me, the perfect treat; expensive enough that you wouldn't buy them every day, but delicious enough that you want them every day.          

 

Michelin Madness

I can see it now, chefs sat around the kitchen waiting for the phone to ring. Like a 14 year old girl waiting for her first boyfriend to whisper sweet nothings down the telephone lines. Later this morning Michelin will announce who has won, lost and kept their michelin stars. Michelin is the Oscars of the culinary world, and is just as respected by chefs as it is by restaurant visiting public around the globe. Not bad for a guide that was originally started as a marketing tool to promote tyres. Today is the day when we find out who has excelled, who has failed and who has been consistent. Will Marcus Wareing gain that coveted third star? Will Gordon Ramsey lose one of his stars? Personally I think the answer to both is yes.  

Having been lucky enough to eat at many Michelin starred restaurants I have wondered how relevant they actually are. I'm sure Mr Wareing will disagree, but my feeling is that Michelin has become a Timeout Guide for the rich. It allows those who travel to ensure they will get a consistent level of food and service across the globe. This, strangely, was also the ethos that McDonald's creator Ray Kroc set out to achieve. Michelin let's those people that are too afraid try new things find refuge in consistency and safety. 

 All this is not to say that the food and service in such places is not good, or even brilliant in many cases. The problem I have is that Michelin only seems to award those doing things in a certain way. It promotes an ideal, and has such a limited range that the best food I have eaten has never come from a starred restaurant. Why is there only one type of restaurant on the list? Why do all the restaurants have to be stuffy al a carte places with very little soul?  Where are the great steak houses? Why can't I look at Michelin and find a local restaurant with great service and incredible food? It is not because they don't exist; to me the reason for this is that Michelin is only aiming the guide at the uneducated and wealthy.

It feels to me that Michelin has become an old boy's club for the restaurants that are in it. It really promotes those that have come through in the correct way. As long as your restaurant went to Eton or Harrow then it will get into a good university. I'm sure they would argue that their is no favouritism at Michelin, but having eaten at many restaurants on the list I can not understand how this is possible. I have had many better meals at one stars than I have had at two stars. Last year I was lucky enough to eat at Marcus Wareing's, and although the food and service were good it was no where near as enjoyable as a meal at one starred Arbutus. 

I have no idea who the Michelin reviewers are, but I feel that they have possibly started to lose understanding of what is relevant to the restaurant going public. They have become trapped in their Ivory towers, and no longer see the world through the eyes of those living beyond the castle walls.

This is the time Michelin need to look at how relevant they are. If the purpose of the guide is to be an award ceremony for chefs then I have no issue. They can have their night of back slapping and self congratulations till the end of time; if however they are a restaurant guide for the public they, in my opinion, need to take a fresh look about who they award to.

Thankfully, I think that with the rise of the internet Michelin will be relegated to an industry award show rather than a guide. You no longer have to buy a guide to tell you what restaurants are good. With blogging as it is you can find writers and reviews who match your ideals all over the world. You can find reviews from like minded people who enjoy food for what it is not because of who it is made by. You can build armies of restaurant critics on twitter. The internet has made opinion free to everyone. Don't let good restaurants suffer because they don't fit the institution that is Michelin. 

I truly wish those who win congratulations, but much like an Oscar it won't make me want to eat at your restaurant any more than I would have already.  

So good luck, and if you are waiting by the phone remember it is ok to hang up first. I'm sure Michelin won't dump you...   

       

It's About Time the UK had Some Food Challenges

I'm a very competitive person.

I don't like to lose.

This is a problem for me as I don't tend to excel in many competitive areas. Never the less if I get involved in anything that requires skill, I feel it is my god given right to win. This has, in the past, led to some very uncomfortable moments with friends and loved ones. My problem is that, despite all the evidence, I believe I am brilliant at everything I put my mind to. This in turn leads me to believe that if I am not winning at something then the other people involved must be cheating.  This has led my best friend to storm out of our shared accommodation after a friendly game of computer football when we were 18, and more recently to me shouting out my in-laws, after christmas lunch, because I couldn't beat them at "who wants to be a millionaire".

I envy those that can be competitive and lose without claiming everyone in the room has a vendetta against them. I believe that Adam Richman is one such man. For those of you who don't know Richman presents a tv show in the US called Man v Food. The premise of the programme is that Richman travels from city to city taking on the great american food challenges. Some of the challenges I have seen  include eating a pizza the size of a table, drinking six litres of thick ice cold milk shake, and a burger that was easily the height of a small child.

Through out my youth I had seen such challenges in films and on TV, but it got me thinking why is this only an American thing? To me it seems to be the ultimate marketing tool. Come to our restaurant and see if you can eat two kilos of steak; if you do you eat for free, and if not you have to pay. Now I'm pretty sure that I am not the only stubborn, pigheaded or competitive brit out there. We come from an optimistic country; where we believe we will triumph at every sport, and when we don't we have been known to destroy beautiful european vistas. I say that we should start our own food challenges. We should take on the might of America! The question is where would we start? 

In America there seems to be two options: firstly a quantity challenge, and secondly a heat challenge. I think that we have both these areas in abundance and should put them to the test. I can picture it now: The cafe that can create an english fried breakfast consisting of ten of each item, a curry house that makes a curry so hot you need to wear protective clothing, or a portion of fish & chips that are so large you need to eat them with a shovel; although in yorkshire that is a fairly standard size dish.

We have the ability, we have the food, we have the stupidity and we definitely have the stomach for it. So restaurants of the UK unite, and give us the challenges we deserve!

Anyway if we can't do it, it will only be because someone was cheating...     

 

The Food Bandit reviews Koya, 49 Frith Street, London, W1

There are, as you may have noticed, many things that annoy me. I am annoyed by bad service, I am annoyed by poor quality food, I am annoyed by haircuts in the Hoxton area and I am definitely annoyed by text speak or should I say txt spk? There are few things that annoy me as much as hype.

Now, I am not saying that I am immune to hype. I myself have followed most of the more stupid fashions and ideas of our times and were it not for people around me telling me otherwise, I may still be wearing my Global Hyper Colour t-shirt to this day. Let us just pause on Global Hyper Colour, what ever happened to them? When did people realise that a t-shirt that changed colour as your body got warm wasn't the greatest of fashion statements? Looking back now I clearly understand why many girls rebuffed my advances. As I walked over to them trying to look confident while my blue t-shirt went bright orange underneath the armpits. Anyway, my fashion faux pas aside, hype to me is a huge problem in these media driven times. A restaurant can be built up or fail on the hype of those around it, slightly like the TV show "Joey" but more damaging to a career, if you can imagine it.

Now as I say, I am not immune to hype but I am always wary of it. Occasionally hype has driven me to try something I might of missed and to be honest for all my moaning I'm sure I have hyped up places that people have gone on to hate, so I am equally as responsible. This time however, I am going to have to fly in the face of public opinion and fight against the hype.    

Foolishly I had become so wrapped in the hype that I had found myself with 3 friends queueing on a cold winter's night in January on the streets of soho for the new cool place to eat. Back in my twenties this wouldn't have been such a strange thing, but now in my thirties what little patience I had has long gone.

Being a big fan of Japanese, I had been excited at the prospect of visiting Koya, an authentic Udon bar in soho, so was willing not to be put off by the lack of booking options. I know that in Japan you wouldn't be able to book for such a place so I expected a possible wait. It was only when we arrived that I realised that my lack of patience and growing hunger were not a perfect partner. On questioning, the couple at the front of the queue revealed that they had been waiting for an hour and that they had waited longer on another occasion but it was worth the wait. As we peered into the brightly lit, but small, modern restaurant it loomed on us that very few people seemed to have been served and in turn this started to put my party off staying. It was only the fact that the majority of the dinners appeared to be Japanese that we decided to wait as we were sure this was a sign of authenticity. Additionally, the fact that finding another restaurant with a table on a Friday night would only have led us to Nando's or some other such questionable place. 

Thankfully, it appeared that the ill timing of the first couple had been deceptive and we were into the warmth and seated at our slightly cramped table within half an hour. I see how, from a marketing point of view, having a queue outside your restaurant is great but it does increase expectations to a level that are difficult to match.

Koya's menu was simple and clear with the udon split into four main areas; hot udon in hot broth, cold udon with hot broth, cold udon with cold sauce to dip and cold udon with cold sauce to pour. The latter two, we were told, were more suitable for summer so we decided to be drawn to the more warming dishes. Additionally, the menu had a selection of side dishes as well as rice dishes. 

Our excellent waiter, who was from tokyo himself, suggested we try a number of side dishes and then went for the hot broth selections. We started with a mixture of pickles that were not to my taste and too sharp for most of us; some vegetable tempura that, while light, was slightly bland; a delicious bowl of roast duck, with an assortment of topping to add (which I could happily have eaten to myself); and a bowl of pork belly. The pork belly was the favourite of the table and if it had been the only dish we had eaten we all may have left happy.

Despite the queue outside, our waiter never rushed us and they left a surprisingly good amount of time before they brought the udon. I was excited by my tempura with cold udon and hot broth, but felt let down again by the tempura. The broth was delicious and had a fantastic taste of fish sauce to it. The others all went for hot udon and hot broth, which looked great and warming but was let down by its simplicity. Normally I would say simplicity in a restaurant was a plus but the dishes, although nice, seemed lacking for the price, especially the pawn tempura which had one piece of tempura in the dish.  The stars of the show were the separate broths, each with their individual flavour but I found the whole meal to be average at best.

I wouldn't say the food at Koya was bad but it was slightly uninspired. Koya, to me, is the perfect place to grab a quick lunch or an early pre-theatre meal. Koya needs to be part of the event but not the main event to truly get the best from it.   

Strangely enough the star of Koya is not the food but the staff, everyone that served us was not only friendly and polite but extremely knowledgeable on their menu. For this Koya should be congratulated.

But in the words of Public Enemy,don't believe the hype or alternatively in txt speak dnt believe t hyp.    

Koya, 49 Frith Street, London, W1

Tel: no phone number as they don't accept bookings

Score 3 out of 5

Price: a reasonable £25 per head including drinks. 

An Apology to Those Doing it Right

It has been brought to my attention that I have been a very naughty boy. I say this in a kind of "he is not the messiah he's a very naughty boy" way rather than a he is wanted by the law way.

It turns out that some people seem to think that I dislike restaurants because of my rants and that I should highlight the good side of them too. Well I think I need to set the record straight.

I love restaurants.

I love them so much that I would rather spend time sitting in them eating, then I would working in a proper job earning money to blow on expensive meals out. My issues with restaurants, I add not all restaurants, is that a lot of them can do better and to ask people to part with their hard earned money you should provide a certain level of service. I also feel that some chefs are making excellent food but the whole package is being let down in other areas.  My main gripe is that we are letting ourselves down, I want to go into a burger bar and think how nice everyone was not have the fear that someone has spat in my food. America has done a great job at creating a service industry and although it can seem fake, I prefer been told to "have a nice day" than being ignored or grunted at. 

I rant because I think we are letting ourselves down. Unfortunately it tends to be the small independents that suffer the most and in these times of economic gloom they are the ones that need to be the best in all areas from food to service and beyond.

Saying all this I think there are some shining beacons of how it should be done and I think they should be noticed and praised. Emachai in Barnet is one such place, combining great food, value and service. It is the service I remember though and I will always tell the story of how the manager took my credit card the first time we paid and on my next visit greeted me at the door by my name. That, to me, goes above and beyond. The thing is, this costs nothing; yet I will now rave about them to anyone that will listen. The Artichoke in Amersham, The Crown in Chalfont St Giles and Koba in Rathbone Place to name but a few who are doing it really well.

What I want is that the majority are doing it well and those who can't have to fade away.

Now, in terms of personal responsibility if we want to be treated well it also means to we have to act like decent human beings. No person should have to tolerate being abused in the place they work unless that is specifically a job they have signed up for (different strokes for different folks..). If you can't treat people in restaurants with the decency they deserve I hope the service you have is a disgrace and mark my words that a large percentage of the food you will be eating will be made of body fluid.

now on that mouth watering note, I think I shall leave you. Restaurants treat your customers with the respect they deserve and customers you should do likewise, otherwise the Food Bandit will be out to get you...    

What the Food Bandit dreams of for 2011

As the dust settles on another year; everybody is either looking forward to the challenges ahead or looking back to the mistakes that they made in 2010. The worrying fact is that the festive season fools us into believing that it will all be changed now that one number on the calendar has been replaced for the next 365 days.  Every year I hear people claiming to make resolutions that will change their life, unfortunately most of these dreams are squashed by the end of the second week in January or the first day if you are in my group of friends. 

This year, it is time to give yourself a break, do what you want to do, be honest with yourself and don't have unrealistic goals. Sure, you can have ambitions and dreams but make sure that you enjoy life. I say forget losing weight if you love food! If anything, put on more weight! Be proud of that ample frame, enjoy every mouthful of food you shovel in. You dont need to be skinny, you can buy new clothes, you don't really need a partner you have food now and anyway what harm can become of being morbidly obese?

Okay so maybe that wasn't a good example,  maybe we do need to have dreams and challenges. Come to think about it there is a lot of things about the world of food I would like to change in 2011. So without further a do, here are my food dreams for 2011:

The End of Concept Restaurants: I will be writing a article on this piece soon but for now I will only slightly rant about it. The only concept that a restaurant should focus on is good tasting food! I don't care about eating in a hospital with my food brought to me in syringes or having to have my dinner served to me in a bed while watching a transvestite cut his chest with razor blades (oh super club, why would you do such things). I want good tasting food and everything else can come after.

The End of Food Snobbery: I talk about this in my first post and it still annoys me. Surely in this season of good will; we can forgive people for not knowing everything about food. I strongly believe that people are doing the best that they can with the information that they have although I am happy to contradict my self by saying that Iceland should be removed from every high street in the UK, mostly so I don't have to see their chavy adverts on TV. The point is though, you should never be too above yourself to enjoy all the food delights there are in the world and if you want pizza or burgers then have them happily knowing that you can eat your oysters and caviar on another day.

The Death of the Cupcake: This is a prediction I have made every single year for the past three years so I am sure that they will do really well in 2011.  It's not that I have anything against the cupcake as such but it is what they do to women of all ages that makes me dislike them. I have worked in central London offices where a normal group of fantastic women have turned in to cupcake lusting vampires when names such as Humming Bird and Candy Cakes are mentioned. I have seen 6 foot rugby playing men thrown across filing cabinets for making the mistake of standing in the way of these icing coated baked drugs. For me 2011 needs to be the year of the macaroon and I recommend that anyone near Selfridges in London ventures in to try Pierre Herme's unbelievable delights.   

Good Service at all restaurants: I know you may be laughing out loud right now but this can't be too much to ask can it? The restaurant business is a service industry and should start acting like one. Now I know that many restaurants have great service but they tend to be the exception and not the rule. I personally don't think that it is to much to ask to be treated like a human when you are giving away your hard earned cash. Strangely it seems to be the small local places that have the problem. You guys are fighting for your existence every single day so don't let your poor training skills or some spotty seventeen year old kill your business!  

More Understanding of Seasonal Food: I don't need people to recite what is and isn't in season at any given time but people need to understand that to have great quality and fantastic tasting food seasonality needs to play a major role. You can't enjoy tomatoes in the middle of winter that haven't been shipped half way across the planet! A trick for all those trying to save money is eat seasonally! When you next go into the supermarket; notice that all the fruit and veg that is on half price or two for one tends to be what's in season because there is an abundance of it that doesn't need to be air freighted in. Hopefully eating seasonally would also increase local trade and allow our food specialists to survive.  Anyway it is about time for my tomato salad...

Personal Responsibility when Eating: I recently read an article about a mother that was going to sue McDonald's for giving toys away with Happy Meals as it made her kid want them. Now I wont delve deep into this because I want to write a longer piece on it but come on! You are responsible for what goes into your mouth! Stop blaming the rest of the world for your own fucking stupidity! Junk food makes you fat otherwise they would call it healthy food. If you are getting ill because of the food you are eating then stop eating it, make a change!  It is not the government's fault you are fat, it is not Ronald McDonald's fault you are fat, it is your fault and if you don't like it then stop eating it or die but either way I don't care. 

So go now my children, enjoy 2011 and take my joyful words into the next 365 days with you.

Be careful what you wish for because it may happen...

 

image credits

Happy New Year!

The Food Bandit would like to wish you all a happy New Year! Enjoy the year ahead and hopefully it will be full of great tastes. 

 

The Food Bandit reviews Koba, 11 Rathbone Street, London, W1

 
I could feel the pain in my head as I turned in bed, blurred images in my mind of alcohol induced craziness. Distant memories of gin soaked karaoke, snapshots of strangers taunting me with jager bombs.

I always knew it would end like this. 

As I lay on that bed waiting for death to take me, I began to see images of my life flash before my eyes. My first steps, my first mouthfuls of food, the first days at many different schools, my first kiss quickly followed by the first time I was dumped, the first tastes of alcohol, my first hangover, many meals, days spent watching TV, nights spent chasing girls (mostly unsuccessfully), trips abroad, more meals, meeting my wife, even more meals, getting married and too many years working in jobs that could have been done by a monkey (arguably a monkey may have done it better).

It strikes me, as the icy fingers of the grim reaper reach towards me, that I have lived a wasted life. Sure I have had fun, sure I have met my soul mate, sure I have travelled the world but it is clear to me that I haven't eaten enough good food. I have eaten some great food but I'm angry to say that those occasions have not been the norm. I have wasted my life eating mediocre meals only punctuated by the occasional joy of some exceptional cooking. How many great men have regretted this on their deathbed?  Was Nelson trying to steal a taste of a lost meal when he asked Hardy to kiss him? When Churchill said he was "bored with it all" did he mean the restrictions of his menu? Am I just one more in the line who has made bad food choices?

But wait, this is not my fault. I have searched the globe and spent my waking hours looking for the perfect meal and the ultimate tastes but so often I have been let down. I have wasted time eating in establishments that aspired to being average.

 This is the fault of all those average chefs who labour day and night to prepare mediocre meals. This is the fault of every chain restaurant that opens on the high street's of this nation. This is the fault of every person that has opened a restaurant without an ounce of experience. This is the fault of us, the consumer, for putting up with it and eating in silence. Ok so maybe it is my fault slightly. Maybe I should have learned to be a better chef so I didn't have to eat that average food, maybe I should have complained more, maybe I should have only eaten in places with Michelin stars or hidden bistros in the maze of parisian side streets or maybe I should have just found Koba and Korean food earlier in my life....

Tucked in an unassuming road off Charlotte street, seconds aways from the big ticket restaurants of Roka, Fino and Salt Yard, sits the quietly confident Koba. My Wife and I had ventured in to the west-end to have a meal with two of our closest friends who had not long since returned from their honeymoon in Japan. Being the gap between Christmas and New Years all the Japanese restaurants I had hoped to visit were closed. So on the back of a few good reviews and a recommendation from a friend I had booked the four of us a table at Koba. This I am ashamed to say would be my first experience of Korean food. Being such a fan of Japanese food I have always opted for a new Udon bar or Yakitori kitchen rather than trying the delights of Korea. This, I would learn, was a painful mistake.

We arrived at the restaurant slightly late for our lunch booking, thanks to the ineptitude of London Underground but shouldn't have worried as we were the only people there. This concerned me slightly but I put it down to the time of year rather than anything else. The restaurant is deceptively spacious with a galley of dark wooden tables each concealing a barbecue in their centre. Slightly more noticeable was the overhanging extractor fan and the lack of leg room due to the cover hiding the grill workings. Although this was nothing that good food wouldn't cause me to ignore. 

As novices to Korean food we let our extremely helpful waitress recommend what would be the most authentic dishes to order. It was a matter of minutes before the dishes started to arrive. A mixed selection of Kimchi was the first mouthful on the journey. A mix of spiced fermented cabbage, cucumber and radish coated in chilli had just the right amount  heat and was highly addictive. For me the cucumber had the best balance of flavour but I would happily eat a plate of all three.  The starters consisted of Yook Hwei, seasoned raw beef with sliced pear and an egg yolk mixed in, which was excellent and strangely cleansing, Pajun, a traditional pancake made with spring onion and seafood (pictured above), which was excellent if not a little plain compared to the other  starters. An excellent plate of dumplings that put most gyoza to shame and a serving of tasty glass noodles with vegetables rounded off the appetizers nicely. 

 Our mains came with a share of theatre as they unveiled the hidden grill and let the UFO like extractor earn its money. We had an excellent selection of meat and fish cooked in front of us, which to be fair I find a little off putting as it makes me feel like we are doing all the work. This in my wife's case was the truth as she ended up turning the meat as the waitress set another table sizzling. The highlight of the barbecue was the thin slices of cooked duck which we wrapped in a lettuce leaf with excellently seasoned shredded spring onion. My friend was quick to point out that this was a little like a bun-less burger which was strangely true and utterly delicious. The low point was the overcooked baby octopus but I wont hold this against them as everyone else seemed to enjoy it. Having obviously judged us as fat western gluttons the waitress had said we would be fine with a traditional rice dish too. With hind sight this probably was a dish too far but how will I keep my reputation as a glutton if I only eat the food I need? The spicy chicken with vegetables and rice came in a hot stone pot which then had chilli sauce and an egg yolk mixed in to it at the table. This, only served as a slight let down as for all the performance it lacked a little flavour and didn't keep its heat well.

Having pushed my expanding waistline to the limit we all agreed that deserts would be a step too far and the limited choice of ice creams with red bean sauces was slightly uninspiring. In all a great meal which was only bettered by the helpful and patient service. I would highly recommend it to anyone but especially those sick of insipid Chinese restaurants that differ from one another only by the staff that work there.

Koba provided a perfect start to the last day of my life and if only the bad influence of my partners in crime hadn't led me on debauched night of alcohol and karaoke I may still be able to set right the crimes of the past. Forget the flowers, bring kimchi to my grave....

My wife tells me that I don't deal with hangovers well. 

Koba, 11 Rathbone Street, London W1

Tel: 020 7580 8825

Score 4 out of 5

Price: £45 per head (This did include champagne and wine, well we were celebrating...) 

 

    

 

Turning Tables

Maybe I ask too much, maybe I should expect less of the people that I hand over my hard earned money too. I mean, after all they are only setting up a service business. Why should I expect them to serve me with anything less than contempt?

Picture the scene if you will. Myself and my wife, on a cold winter's Wednesday night, venture to a local Italian restaurant for a quick evening bite. All seems good so far. We arrive at said restaurant without a booking but from looking through the windows we can see only a couple of tables taken. We assume that we will be eating shortly but as an old school teacher once  told me, "to assume makes and ass of you and me" (still unsure how it makes an ass of him but anyway).

We are greeted at the door by a surly man who I later find out is the manager. This Italian version of Basil Fawlty lumbers over with not so much of a smile

"Good evening, have you booked a table?"

looking around the 3 quarters empty restaurant I reply; "no I'm afraid not but if we could just have a table for two please?"  

"I'm sorry sir but we are fully booked."

Now this must be some sort of joke, clearly I have wandered in off the street on to the set of the latest series of "Punk'd" or "Beadles About". Then it begins to dawn on me that Beadle is dead and such a TV show would only be in bad taste and this would really be scrapping the bottom of the barrel for comedy ideas. " The restaurant seems quite quiet is there no way we can eat before the bookings come in?" I ask. 

"I'm sorry sir I cant spare the table." he replies

Normally I would argue this point until I was given a table but for some reason, lack of food, lack of sleep or the state of shock I was in, we decide to leave and find somewhere else to eat.  

This sorry tale happened almost 2 years ago but here I am still telling it to anyone that will listen. Surely this is not the reputation that this restaurant wants and certainly they are better than that as I know from experiences before and since. The issue I have with this sorry tale is that it highlights the lack of idea, the lack of care, the lack of commercial awareness and lack of good service that there is in a number of restaurants in the UK. I know of very few businesses that can afford to turn money away, especially in the restaurant industry. So why make it so difficult for people to spend money with you?  In this day and age there is so much choice that every customer should be treated with your best service, don't send them to a competitor  because you don't know how to turn a table! 

You can do better than this and I dont just mean that restaurant but I mean all restaurants! I dont want to have to feel like you are doing me a favour it should be the other way round. I have worked in restaurants in my teens, I know how easy it is to turn tables. I wouldn't have minded being given a time limit to eat before the bookings arrived. Although don't start me on time limits when I am booking a week in advance because I refuse to rush my food if you can't serve me in an appropriate time! I dont want to wait at the door until you can be bothered to serve me, I dont want to wait half an hour to have my order taken and I definitely don't want to be turned away from half empty restaurants!

We are living in 2010 almost 2011, so why must our service standards be stuck in the mid seventies? This country has done so much to improve it's food culture since I was a child but please dont let poor management and uneducated staff ruin the food heroes we have cultivated in the last 30 years. 

Please don't stop me spending my money because if I and everyone else does, who will you be able to be rude to? I don't think your Nan would put up with that sort of attitude...

 

Food Snobs feel free to leave now.

How long has your meat be hung for? Oh you shop at a supermarket do you? We stayed at the vineyard of the wine we are drinking now. No I would only ever eat the eggs from our own chickens.....

Being a foodie is a serious business. You have to be careful that you are drinking the right wine, eating the most sustainable fish and are aware of which farmhand picked your asparagus. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't we be free to enjoy the foods we like? Why can't we take pleasure in the foods that we know are bad for us? 

I like food. No, I love food. I love to eat a 21 day aged steak as much as the next guy. I have even braved the smell of the Durian fruit (It smells like dead flesh) to find out if it's as good as people say but I take issue with those people that are so snobby that they cant enjoy life.

This is where the confession comes; I like to eat junk food....I love to worship at the alter of Big Mac, I pledge to defend the Kings of Burger, I look forward to the days where my intoxication can be saved by the mighty kebab and in my weaker times I crave the times that my wife mentions that she is in the mood for a pizza. Oh doughy circle of glory how I enjoy your cheesy goodness. 

And you know what? Its ok. It's not a crime to like these things. The world will not end if you decide that you enjoy these things too. Don't worry we can get through this together, now put down the leg of air cured jambon and join me on the dark side. Tuck into that magnificent quarter pound of questionable meat and let the secret sauce trickle down your face...

You are one of us now.