The Food Bandit

Diets, Junk Food, and Why the Man Can't Stop Us Getting Fat

Some of you may have realised that I have been very quiet in the past few months, others may have taken this as some form of godly reprieve, but which ever way you look at it I'm back, and raring to fill your internet screens with food related nonsense. 

I can hear you ask, "Where have you been oh food writing genius? Our lives have not been the same without you."  Well firstly let me tell you that I don't like to fly in the face of public opinion, so if you think I am a genius then who am I to argue with you? The truth is that I have been struck with the bug to lose some weight, and reviewing restaurants and suckling at the teat of gastronomy is not great for the waist line. Let's not kid ourselves here people, food is the cause of why we put on weight; burgers, pizzas, kebabs, chocolate, pasta, bread, curry, cakes, and all manner of baked delights contribute to our ever expanding waist lines. It may even come as a shock to you, but McDonald's isn't healthy. I know, shocking news isn't? Of course it isn't a fucking shock. We know this, we have known this for ages, but the truth is that we don't give a shit because we enjoy the taste. This isn't to say that I don't except that people get fat due to medical reasons such as taking steroids, but eating pie and chips everyday isn't a medical reason... 

As humans we want instant gratification over potential future gain. That's why if you tell us that a cake is going to kill us we still eat it, but if you took us to the top of a building and said jump we wouldn't do it; although I can think of many people who I wish would accept such an offer. Dieting is not fun because we don't see the results quickly enough. If you told me I could stop eating chocolate for a day and tomorrow I would have a six pack I would be all for it, but life isn't that fair, and why should it be?

So if we know all of this why do we continue to blame other people for us getting fat? Who are these people that think it is acceptable to sue fast food chains because they got fat from eating it every day? Should I sue the French for creating delicious pastries, or the Italians for the pizza I cram into my delightfully appointed Bouché? No I shouldn't, because if I do I would be a fucking idiot. It's not the fault of the lawyers for getting involved in such actions, they are just feeding off the stupidity of humanity. We are responsible for our own actions, and if I decide tonight that I will gorge myself on a feast that could force my heart to jump up through my neck and strangle my brain then it is my fault. 

The joke is that the authorities, or "The Man" for short, want to propagate this myth that everything is someone else's fault. Only the other day I heard of local councils wanting to put health warnings on take-aways and calories on menus. The over reaching stupidity of this amazes me. The people who are surprised when they go into a curry house and see that the food isn't healthy deserve their obesity and all the complications that come with it. The Man needs to step back and allow people to succeed or fail on their own, just as a child does when they learn to walk. The funniest part is that since government have got so involved in our diets obesity rates have increased to epidemic levels.

So this is a plea to the people of this country; eat whatever you want, enjoy the taste of everything, don't limit yourself the things you enjoy, but don't ever complain when you get fat because it is totally your fault.

Now get me a burger because these jeans aren't going to hold themselves up.  

The Real Food Festival, Earls Court

This weekend was the annual Real Food Festival at Earls Court in London, and having not had many opportunities to increase my chance of gout in the last few weeks I thought I would try my luck. 

Having not been before I was looking forward to see what was on offer, and see some of the chefs demonstrations that where happening throughout the day. The tickets that I bought for my wife and myself included a copy of the festival's cooking book which on inspection would seem to be worth the value of one ticket, well maybe half a ticket...

On entering the venue we were confronted with several stands which seemed to have no discernible order and very little planning. The selection of stalls was impressive with a number of foodstuffs on display and ready to sample such as oils, dips, smoked meats, pastas, cakes, brownies, alcohol, and large numbers of sausages. Although the produce was fantastic and some of the tastes truly stunning the festival had the feel of a market such as Borough, and the relentless attempts to sell made me question why there was such a high entry fee. 

One of my interests for the show was to see Nic Watt of Roka give a demonstration as advertised on the shows web site. Disappointingly he had been replaced by a chef from Iberica who while interesting was fairly difficult to understand although, I hasten to add, his English is far superior to my Spanish. He made a selection of dishes including the potato and clam dish (above) which smelt fantastic, but was only allowed to be looked at like a painting in a gallery. Teasing people with food should be considered a form of mental bullying, and be reported to the court of human rights. After this underwhelming display we decided to not waste anymore time being mentally abused and instead decided to eat and shop our way around the stalls. 

I would say if you want to experience the Festival save yourself the money and visit Borough market, or one of Real Foods upcoming street markets. There were for me a couple of producers who were the standout of the show. The first was Gower Cottage Brownies who I will be writing a separate blog about, and Simply Ice Cream who made a delicious selection of ices that once available in my area will cause me to be well on the way to gout...

Nothing More Natural than a Mother's Milk.

Recently, I read about The Icecreamists, a london ice cream parlour, who have caused quite a media stir by selling ice cream made from breast milk. The ice cream, cleverly, named Baby Gaga is selling at £15 a serving.

The media frenzy that has ensued has taken me aback, and I wonder if we really are as enlightened as we think. The firestorm has even gone worldwide with Lady Gaga threatening to sue for use of her name as she dislikes the idea of using human breast milk. This coming from a person who had no problem wearing the rotting flesh of an animal to an awards ceremony.  I am also fairly sure, although I am not basing this on any legal evidence, that Gaga did not invent that word, and that it was not the name given to her by her parents. I do also have reason to believe that I used the term gaga as a baby, pre-Lady Gaga, so will be suing her for copyright infringement...

Even this morning on the hugely popular Daybreak (I may have been one of only 3 people in the UK to have been watching) part time humans and full time idiots Christine Bleakley and Adrian Chiles claimed it was disgusting to eat a product made of breast milk.

I understand that people may be funny about eating certain things; I myself don't like coriander, but claiming it to be wrong is a stretch too far. There is one simple rule I apply when faced with things I don't like, now keep with me because this is going to blow your mind, if I don't want to eat something I don't put it in my mouth. God I can't believe I said it. Can you imagine the panic that would be caused if this subversive thinking were to get in to the wider world? People would stop forcing themselves to eat things they didn't want to, there would no longer be the need to complain about programmes on TV as you could just switch them off, and if you heard rap music with lyrics and opinion's you didn't like you could turn down the volume. I know what you're thinking, and yes I fear the authorities may clamp down on this type of talk for fear that the general public may start to take responsibility for themselves. It is ironic that breast milk has highlighted the nations need to think for it's self. 

I have noticed that many people think this a marketing campaign to draw more business to The Icecreamists. My response to that is so what? If they are cleaver enough to promote an ice cream business in winter during a financial crisis then good luck to them. I don't envy anyone trying to make a living out of ice cream with the UK's climate, and I hope it works for them. 

The bigger issue I have with this whole affair is that as humans we think it is more acceptable to drink the milk of other creatures than it is the milk that was designed for us. There truly is no more natural food than breast milk. If anything it is cleaner than that of cows and goats, and far more in tune with our natural development. If you want to make a point it should be that it is unnatural to drink any sort of milk after you have been weened on to solid foods.

Personally I would rather drink breast milk than that of a hairy field animal. As the old joke goes, who was the first person to look at a cow and think I'm going to squeeze those, and drink whatever comes out? 

 

It's About Time the UK had Some Food Challenges

I'm a very competitive person.

I don't like to lose.

This is a problem for me as I don't tend to excel in many competitive areas. Never the less if I get involved in anything that requires skill, I feel it is my god given right to win. This has, in the past, led to some very uncomfortable moments with friends and loved ones. My problem is that, despite all the evidence, I believe I am brilliant at everything I put my mind to. This in turn leads me to believe that if I am not winning at something then the other people involved must be cheating.  This has led my best friend to storm out of our shared accommodation after a friendly game of computer football when we were 18, and more recently to me shouting out my in-laws, after christmas lunch, because I couldn't beat them at "who wants to be a millionaire".

I envy those that can be competitive and lose without claiming everyone in the room has a vendetta against them. I believe that Adam Richman is one such man. For those of you who don't know Richman presents a tv show in the US called Man v Food. The premise of the programme is that Richman travels from city to city taking on the great american food challenges. Some of the challenges I have seen  include eating a pizza the size of a table, drinking six litres of thick ice cold milk shake, and a burger that was easily the height of a small child.

Through out my youth I had seen such challenges in films and on TV, but it got me thinking why is this only an American thing? To me it seems to be the ultimate marketing tool. Come to our restaurant and see if you can eat two kilos of steak; if you do you eat for free, and if not you have to pay. Now I'm pretty sure that I am not the only stubborn, pigheaded or competitive brit out there. We come from an optimistic country; where we believe we will triumph at every sport, and when we don't we have been known to destroy beautiful european vistas. I say that we should start our own food challenges. We should take on the might of America! The question is where would we start? 

In America there seems to be two options: firstly a quantity challenge, and secondly a heat challenge. I think that we have both these areas in abundance and should put them to the test. I can picture it now: The cafe that can create an english fried breakfast consisting of ten of each item, a curry house that makes a curry so hot you need to wear protective clothing, or a portion of fish & chips that are so large you need to eat them with a shovel; although in yorkshire that is a fairly standard size dish.

We have the ability, we have the food, we have the stupidity and we definitely have the stomach for it. So restaurants of the UK unite, and give us the challenges we deserve!

Anyway if we can't do it, it will only be because someone was cheating...     

 

What the Food Bandit dreams of for 2011

As the dust settles on another year; everybody is either looking forward to the challenges ahead or looking back to the mistakes that they made in 2010. The worrying fact is that the festive season fools us into believing that it will all be changed now that one number on the calendar has been replaced for the next 365 days.  Every year I hear people claiming to make resolutions that will change their life, unfortunately most of these dreams are squashed by the end of the second week in January or the first day if you are in my group of friends. 

This year, it is time to give yourself a break, do what you want to do, be honest with yourself and don't have unrealistic goals. Sure, you can have ambitions and dreams but make sure that you enjoy life. I say forget losing weight if you love food! If anything, put on more weight! Be proud of that ample frame, enjoy every mouthful of food you shovel in. You dont need to be skinny, you can buy new clothes, you don't really need a partner you have food now and anyway what harm can become of being morbidly obese?

Okay so maybe that wasn't a good example,  maybe we do need to have dreams and challenges. Come to think about it there is a lot of things about the world of food I would like to change in 2011. So without further a do, here are my food dreams for 2011:

The End of Concept Restaurants: I will be writing a article on this piece soon but for now I will only slightly rant about it. The only concept that a restaurant should focus on is good tasting food! I don't care about eating in a hospital with my food brought to me in syringes or having to have my dinner served to me in a bed while watching a transvestite cut his chest with razor blades (oh super club, why would you do such things). I want good tasting food and everything else can come after.

The End of Food Snobbery: I talk about this in my first post and it still annoys me. Surely in this season of good will; we can forgive people for not knowing everything about food. I strongly believe that people are doing the best that they can with the information that they have although I am happy to contradict my self by saying that Iceland should be removed from every high street in the UK, mostly so I don't have to see their chavy adverts on TV. The point is though, you should never be too above yourself to enjoy all the food delights there are in the world and if you want pizza or burgers then have them happily knowing that you can eat your oysters and caviar on another day.

The Death of the Cupcake: This is a prediction I have made every single year for the past three years so I am sure that they will do really well in 2011.  It's not that I have anything against the cupcake as such but it is what they do to women of all ages that makes me dislike them. I have worked in central London offices where a normal group of fantastic women have turned in to cupcake lusting vampires when names such as Humming Bird and Candy Cakes are mentioned. I have seen 6 foot rugby playing men thrown across filing cabinets for making the mistake of standing in the way of these icing coated baked drugs. For me 2011 needs to be the year of the macaroon and I recommend that anyone near Selfridges in London ventures in to try Pierre Herme's unbelievable delights.   

Good Service at all restaurants: I know you may be laughing out loud right now but this can't be too much to ask can it? The restaurant business is a service industry and should start acting like one. Now I know that many restaurants have great service but they tend to be the exception and not the rule. I personally don't think that it is to much to ask to be treated like a human when you are giving away your hard earned cash. Strangely it seems to be the small local places that have the problem. You guys are fighting for your existence every single day so don't let your poor training skills or some spotty seventeen year old kill your business!  

More Understanding of Seasonal Food: I don't need people to recite what is and isn't in season at any given time but people need to understand that to have great quality and fantastic tasting food seasonality needs to play a major role. You can't enjoy tomatoes in the middle of winter that haven't been shipped half way across the planet! A trick for all those trying to save money is eat seasonally! When you next go into the supermarket; notice that all the fruit and veg that is on half price or two for one tends to be what's in season because there is an abundance of it that doesn't need to be air freighted in. Hopefully eating seasonally would also increase local trade and allow our food specialists to survive.  Anyway it is about time for my tomato salad...

Personal Responsibility when Eating: I recently read an article about a mother that was going to sue McDonald's for giving toys away with Happy Meals as it made her kid want them. Now I wont delve deep into this because I want to write a longer piece on it but come on! You are responsible for what goes into your mouth! Stop blaming the rest of the world for your own fucking stupidity! Junk food makes you fat otherwise they would call it healthy food. If you are getting ill because of the food you are eating then stop eating it, make a change!  It is not the government's fault you are fat, it is not Ronald McDonald's fault you are fat, it is your fault and if you don't like it then stop eating it or die but either way I don't care. 

So go now my children, enjoy 2011 and take my joyful words into the next 365 days with you.

Be careful what you wish for because it may happen...

 

image credits

Food Snobs feel free to leave now.

How long has your meat be hung for? Oh you shop at a supermarket do you? We stayed at the vineyard of the wine we are drinking now. No I would only ever eat the eggs from our own chickens.....

Being a foodie is a serious business. You have to be careful that you are drinking the right wine, eating the most sustainable fish and are aware of which farmhand picked your asparagus. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't we be free to enjoy the foods we like? Why can't we take pleasure in the foods that we know are bad for us? 

I like food. No, I love food. I love to eat a 21 day aged steak as much as the next guy. I have even braved the smell of the Durian fruit (It smells like dead flesh) to find out if it's as good as people say but I take issue with those people that are so snobby that they cant enjoy life.

This is where the confession comes; I like to eat junk food....I love to worship at the alter of Big Mac, I pledge to defend the Kings of Burger, I look forward to the days where my intoxication can be saved by the mighty kebab and in my weaker times I crave the times that my wife mentions that she is in the mood for a pizza. Oh doughy circle of glory how I enjoy your cheesy goodness. 

And you know what? Its ok. It's not a crime to like these things. The world will not end if you decide that you enjoy these things too. Don't worry we can get through this together, now put down the leg of air cured jambon and join me on the dark side. Tuck into that magnificent quarter pound of questionable meat and let the secret sauce trickle down your face...

You are one of us now.